I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
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I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
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I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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