Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
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I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
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The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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