im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
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Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
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No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Two words: blizzard sex
i now understand why vodka
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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