I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
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She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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