I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You ruined the universe
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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