My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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