Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
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No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
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What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
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