i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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