We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
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there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
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