It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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