i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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