Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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