I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize