I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
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We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
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making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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