This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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