I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
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Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
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She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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