i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
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Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
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Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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