one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You were trust falling into bushes
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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