I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
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you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
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just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize