How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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