Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize