dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
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It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
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I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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