I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize