If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize