Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
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I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
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You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize