gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
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He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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