I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
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im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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