I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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