i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
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You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
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Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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