you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
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There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
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I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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