she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
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He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
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Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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