I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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