What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
True strength comes from lack of pants
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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