There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
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I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
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Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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