We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
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I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
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Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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