Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize