I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
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I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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