I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
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He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
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She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
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