you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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