Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
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Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
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40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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