I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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