The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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