i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
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He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
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Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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