I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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