That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
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We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
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Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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