Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize