I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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