Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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