Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
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You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
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My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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