they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
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Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
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He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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