i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
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He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
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You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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